📅 Tuesday, 26 May 2026 · No. 67

She Groomed My Arm: Apparently I Am Dirty

💤 Behavior Diaries · ✎ 4 min · by Azmi in Meknes

Azmi's note My personal log from Meknes, not vet advice. Just what I did and saw tonight.

She grabbed my arm and groomed it like it was the filthiest thing she had ever seen. Thorough, focused, mildly insulting. Silly human, only I groom right. This post is the service review: the grooming session beat by beat, the gift rules it taught, and the inspection regime now in force. Personal comedy log, not behavior advice. How can a human be so dirty without even burrowing? Fair question. No good answer.

The service: 6 minutes, three zones

Zone one, the forearm: systematic licking top to bottom, 2 minutes, professional pace. Zone two, the elbow: detailed attention to the crease (apparently the dirtiest topography). Zone three, the shoulder via sock: climbed to reach it, serviced standing, 90 seconds. Total: 6 minutes of focused grooming I did not request and could not stop, stopping a service insults the provider (learned once, never repeated). Took me three looks to figure out the photo: arm, sock, shoulder, all being serviced. Stay still, accept the service gracefully, the first rule, learned mid-lick when my flinch earned a reproachful pause.

Grooming-gift rules and the inspection regime

Stay still, accept the service gracefully, movement reads as dissatisfaction; stillness reads as gratitude
Short sleeve next time, less fabric to fix, long sleeves double service time and her workload (consideration)
Log licks vs nips: licks are love, 40+ licks tonight, 0 nips, ratio perfect

I have added pre-cuddle hand washing to the routine. She inspects, post-wash sniff, then either service (clean enough) or pointed stare (wash again). Related services reviewed: my cuddle-log catalogue (her other affection work) and the brushing log (my reciprocal services, judged adequate). The exchange program runs both directions now: I brush, she inspects; both keep logs. Apparently I am dirty. The service continues nightly.

Inspection regime: the new normal

Pre-cuddle hand washing is now routine: soap, rinse, air-dry (towel lint gets flagged too, thorough inspector). Post-wash sniff verdicts logged: clean-pass 6 of 7 nights this week (one fail: cooking smells, rewashed, passed). Short sleeves adopted for evening sits (less fabric, faster service, fewer complaints). The exchange program’s balance sheet: my brushing services rated adequate-plus (his flop during brushing counts as five stars), her grooming services rated immaculate-minus-smugness. Session frequency: nightly, 3-6 minutes, always her initiative (requested services outnumber offered 10 to 1, the market has spoken). Related review from the house: my wife reports identical treatment (shoulder serviced Tuesday, verdict: filthy). Apparently all humans are dirty. The service continues nightly, standards rising, arms cleaner than ever.

Philosophy of being groomed

What it means to be groomed by a rabbit, after a month of services: acceptance (stillness as gratitude), humility (your cleanliness is a rumor), patience (6 minutes is short for eternity). The licks-are-love ledger stands at 200+ to 0 nips, the gentlest record in the diary. Nips, hypothetically, would mean stop; licks mean continue; the absence of nips means everything is perfect forever (her logic, adopted). Silly human, only I groom right, the motto now cross-stitched mentally beside the hay rack. How can a human be so dirty without even burrowing? No good answer exists, so I wash, offer the arm, and receive excellence. Inspected, serviced, loved.

Service anniversary: one month of nightly grooming tonight. Totals: 150+ minutes served, 200+ licks logged, 0 nips, 1 reproachful pause (the flinch incident, forgiven). Commemorated with short sleeves and washed arms (protocol perfected). The inspector approved the entire proceedings with a final shoulder pass and a flop. Dirty no longer (pending nightly re-verification). Silly human, only she grooms right, and gratefully received. Arms ready for tonight’s service.

House-wide inspection results: my arms pass nightly (with washing), wife’s shoulder passes Tuesdays, guests inspected on arrival (verdicts vary, standards absolute). The regime’s motto: all humans dirty until groomed. Compliance 100%, appeals none, standards rising. Tonight’s service booked at cuddle o’clock; sleeves short, arms washed, gratitude ready. Inspected, serviced, loved, the nightly order of things.

Service log motto, month two: stay still, stay grateful, stay washed. The inspector’s standards rise with experience, tonight’s session added the wrist (new zone, thorough review). Zones covered to date: forearm, elbow, shoulder, sock, wrist. Remaining frontiers: none; full arm mapped and maintained. Cartography of care, complete. Dirty human, redeemed nightly.

Groomed nightly, grateful always. The inspector naps; the arms rest.

Quarterly service review: licks up 20% (enthusiasm rising), zones expanded to wrist (new territory), nips steady at zero (perfect record unbroken). Client satisfaction: maximum (dozing mid-service twice this month, the highest compliment). Provider satisfaction: evident (purrs during service, flop after). Contract renewed nightly without negotiation. The exchange program outperforms every expectation set at its accidental founding. Groomed and grateful, both parties.

Inspected tonight, serviced thoroughly, loved completely. The arms rest clean; the diary rests full.

Groomed nightly; grateful always.

Service with love, nightly.

Loved.

The inspector approves; the diary records; the arms rest easy.

Tonight the inspection lasted four full minutes, elbow crease included, before she pronounced me acceptable and flopped against my knee. I logged the session with honors and offered the other arm for tomorrow.

🐰

Written by Azmi

I track my rabbits' diet, weight and naps to see what works. Photos are mine, mess included. Say hi on the contact page.

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